Masturbators Anonymous, Page 1

TITLE

TITLE: MASTURBATORS ANONYMOUS

CREDITS: Starring Rachel the Great and Tuna By Rachel Nabors SubcultureofOne.com

PANEL 1

Tuna, a black cat, sits front and center addressing the reader directly.

TUNA: "Rachel's been masturbating a lot lately."

PANEL 2

A four-panel sequence showing Rachel reacting dramatically to various stressors. In each, she exclaims "AGH!" and rushes off.

TUNA: "Whenever there's a problem, it's the first thing she turns to."

Sub-panel 1: Rachel holds a piece of paper. RACHEL: "AGH! Bills!"

Sub-panel 2: Rachel clutches another paper. RACHEL: "AGH! Bad grade!"

Sub-panel 3: Rachel looks distressed at the door where visitors are. RACHEL: "AGH! Jehovah's Witnesses!"

PANEL 3

Tuna sits looking at a closed bathroom door.

TUNA: "It's becoming a problem."

TUNA: "Rachel? Are you done in the bathroom?"

TUNA: "I need to use my litter box!"

Some commentors took the Jehova’s Witness reference as an insult. Personally, I find it stressful when anyone comes to my door, more so if they want to talk about religion. If someone knocks on our door, I sneak to the front window over the door and slant the blinds down so I can see who it is. If it’s not a delivery person with a large, tempting looking Amazon.com box, I won’t budge. What could someone at the door possibly have to say (that wouldn’t involve me giving them a jumpstart, keeping an eye out for their long-gone cat, or being coerced to sign some petition or buy some cookies I didn’t even want to eat in the first place because they are nothing but refined carbs and saturated fats but know I will eat anyway because they are choco-minty delicious)?

Drop the box and step away from the door.